So much on my mind...I don't even know where to start.
First, I know it's been forever and a day since I've last written. Mostly, I've been incredibly busy...and secondly, I haven't felt very inspired. I write here when my heart leads me to do so...and lately, I just haven't gotten that inspiration...that feeling of having something that I want to share.
Oh, I have lots on my mind - just not a lot that I can or want to share.
I was watching one of my very favorite shows, "Glee" last week titled "Furt." For those of you that watch, you know the one...for those that don't - well, you should watch it and find out. Essentially, there was a wedding between two characters' parents. Kurt's dad said to the guests that one of the things adults don't tell kids is that "life can be sad." And it struck a chord with me.
I grew up incredibly, blissfully blessed and mostly unaware of the awful things that can happen in this world. I had TWO great-grandmothers alive until I was a senior in high school (they both died in their late 90's.) My dad's mom died when I was in college; his dad died just a few years ago at the age of 87. My mom's parents are both still alive and well and closing in on celebrating birthday number 87. They live 15 minutes from me and Jamie, we see them often, and I enjoy the closest relationship with them that I've ever had in my life. I have never had a friend die; the first funeral I attended was for Jamie's grandmother in 2007. I had been to many, many visitations and wakes but never to a burial until Mable died the fall after we were married. Jamie and I had SIX of our grandparents at our wedding...and we were 30 when we got married! The second ever funeral I went to? For Faith. Like I said, I have lived an incredibly blessed life. So, when I watched "Glee" last week and that line was said, it struck me...it is so true that adults never tell kids how sad life can really be.
Life can be so sad. I know many people that have suffered so much grief and angst in their life...and I certainly have felt like maybe my adult life is making up for my angst-free childhood. I know that I am lucky for not having to endure so much grief and sadness when I was young, and I certainly am thankful for the fact that my friends and family are alive and healthy, but I often wonder if I was naive. I remember my mom telling me once that when she was a child, going to funerals was "normal" and a way to see family you didn't see otherwise. It taught them that death was a part of life, while in our childhood, we never really lived through that. Did we inadvertently miss out on a life lesson because we were lucky?
I started out here tonight saying that I haven't recently felt all that inspired. Work has been stressful and feels...different. Jamie and I continue to find our way through this new "normal." Most days I think we feel like we have it figured out, but then something comes happens and I am again reminded that this new "normal" is anything but. The holidays, under the best of circumstances, can be stressful. Add the ever-present grief to that recipe and it ends up feeling like you're back at the beginning of the journey in so many ways. This is not an easy path...just when I feel like we have it figured out, I am humbled and reminded that I do not. I am reminded that all of the control I wish I could have is not mine at all. I read several blogs and I have been reminded lately that when my own strength fails me, God's strength will never fail me. When I feel at my weakest, crabbiest and most stressed out, God's grace and strength will be enough. He is enough and though I have recently felt like I am all over the place, I have been reminded that I need to relax and let God take care of me because He will. I need to have some serenity...that I can only do what I can and leave the rest up to the God that I know will carry me through. I hope that whatever you believe, you find this strength, too.
2 years ago