As I sit tonight, it has been a rough evening. I spent much of the evening on the phone with my mother. Who, God bless her, was the mother I love...she listened, she sympathized, she didn't try to "fix" what was wrong. Had some good thoughts...and all the while, just let me be. Even better...she even offered money. Who doesn't love that? Just kidding...
Seriously, I feel a bit as though I'm at a crossroads. I have felt like this for some time. Our life has not worked out the way we thought it would...we are not where we expected we would be. Somehow, around every corner we turn there seems to be some new hurdle. Some of those hurdles are small and easy, some are tall and difficult. Yet, they always seem to be there...and I am struggling with a few that seem to keep reappearing. They just will not disappear in my rearview mirror. Perhaps that is a sign that I need to address them in some way.
But, what do you do when it feels as though tackling those hurdles feels more like climbing a mountain? Never in my life have I felt more like climbing the mountain is easier than staying at the bottom, unhappy, unmoving. Never have I felt more like taking a leap of Faith, as scary as it is, might just be worth it...because nothing can be as bad as staying exactly where I am.
Now, I don't need everyone worrying...we are fine. I just feel as though there is this fork in the road...that it's been there staring me down for a long, long time, and it's finally right there, smack in front of me, forcing me to make a choice - this path or that one. In the past, that fork has seemed more inconsequential...in the distance, surreal. Tonight it feels like it's right there -right out in the middle of the road. And there's no going around it. So, how do you choose a path. I guess that's where Faith comes in.
Faith in my God...faith in my husband, in my family, in my friends, in myself...in my own abilities to take a leap that has no net.
I don't know exactly what that will look like...I don't know which path I will take, or what exactly awaits me on either one. But, for the first time in a long time, I feel like we might be able to move down one and tackle those hurdles. And at the very least, like maybe I'm ready for a new set of hurdles...even if I don't know what they look like quite yet. Maybe that's the lesson. Faith is, after all, all about believing in what you cannot see.